Outer and Inner Journeys

A BIOGRAPHY

By

Helen C. Quach

PROLOGUE

I didn't remember being born….that is not until I re-experienced my birth -journey welling up from my subconscious mind.

This auditing was a desperate attempt to find answers to heal myself of terminal breast cancer and to mend my shattered ego and broken heart.

The Taipei Philharmonic Orchestra which I had successfully organized was suddenly dissolved due to political strife and a friendship became a soul-searing karmic affair.

All totally beyond my comprehension!

I have always worked so hard to fulfil the expectations of my parents, teachers, society and country.

If you read through my reprinted Brochure you will see what a great effort it has been for me to become a symphony conductor, travelling and working in so many countries.

I was also a devoted Catholic and practiced my faith with the same fervour as I did my music; and I have always known that I was guided by Spirit, my performances enhanced by a power much greater than my own.

Yet during my last concert tour with the Manila Symphony Orchestra whilst Mount Pinatubo was spewing ashes and flooding caused one of my six concerts to be cancelled. Amongst the concert audiences filling every inch of the five concerts that wasn't cancelled I detected a sinister dark presence.

This dark presence was behind all the layers of deceit and political strife within all large organizations that I have encountered be they government, musical or medical.

Both my brothers are Western medical doctors yet we watched both our parents died of cancer of the bowel. One from the left side, the other from the right.

I was to have the best doctors and specialists. The best surgeons and hospital care. But I could not deceive myself. I knew that all this and all that I have created in my outer life including my catholic faith were powerless in the face of this presence.

It was all illusions! Death was a reality I could no longer ignore.

While I was waiting in Taipei for the case against the Taipei Philharmonic Orchestra

Foundation for illegally dissolving the orchestra to be heard; I dreamt that I was surrounded by multi-colour snakes. I was charmed and fascinated but I knew snakes were a warning of deceit.

Incidentally, this case was never allowed to proceed to hearing. I waited in vain.

After the TPO was dissolved I also dreamt that three Chinese temple gods with painted faces came to take me away from this heartbreaking earthly life, but to their surprise I signalled to them to leave me and they obeyed rolling their eyes in disbelief.

I had two other very vivid dreams which gave me hope and encouraged me to look deep within myself.

One was a dragon- being on a high cliff diving into the sea.

Being born in the year of the dragon I interpreted that it was me diving into the subconscious represented by the sea.

The other dream was of the horrible spectre of Death, its hooded skull hovering before me.

Yet as soul, I felt totally calm and strong.

I waived and willed Death to come closer and closer towards me. Then suddenly I reached out with my left hand and snatched the sceptre from his right hand and ordered him to leave.

The holes that were the skull's eyes and mouth opened wider as if in shock and it looked at me intently for a moment and then slowly hovering backwards facing me, bowing out….then fading away.

Remembering the strength of SOUL and this dream dispelled my fear of cancer. The doctors didn't like my attitude.

One told me bluntly 'you will die for sure, so you’d better follow this diet.'

After reading all that I was not to eat; I thought I would die of malnutrition if I followed her advice.

Another specialist said he wouldn't want to live too long and it was just a matter of time as we'll all die sooner or later! I remember the doctors used to say cancer should not be cut as it would spread once it was disturbed. Now operating is the common recommendation.

The surgeon told me the surgery will do nothing for my healing as it would be impossible to cut out the entire tumour.

However, he quickly added, I should allow him to operate so that we can all be 100% sure I have terminal cancer instead of just 98% from other tests like mammography, ultra-sound and needle aspirations.

This way, all the doctors and all my family would be right to expect me to die.

This is the story of what I have learnt in life and how I healed myself without surgery, chemotherapy and radiology.

I refused to accept my brother's care and offer to stay in his home to die as my mother had died there.

I knew if I was to escape death I will have to accept full responsibility for my healing.

I knew I needed to re-examine my whole outer life, every emotional and mental patterns, and every attitudes and opinions.

I spent long periods totally alone, listening to the silence and listening to my own inner selves.

I observed my tumours and the changes in my body daily...

I discovered that I was not just dying of cancer but I had none of my vital organs working up to par. This was due to an electric shock accident. Of course I learnt later that there are no accidents in life.

One Naturopath said she didn't know where to start or how to heal me. I also had yeast overgrowth and my collapsed kidney was poisoning my system. I lacked oxygen from my weakened lungs and the blockages within my system and I was literally slowly dying of malnutrition. I could not digest the foods I ate and the vitamins especially iron could not be absorbed and even caused a painful reaction.

I was brought down to my knees; living the tests of the dark night of soul.

I followed guidance and the mysterious ways of SPIRIT.

I discovered the God of love is always for life not death. ETERNAL LIFE and LOVE.

Words can never express the whole story.

I can only describe the views of one scene then another.

Your own similar experiences and imagination may fill in for the inadequacies of my words.

My outer and inner journeys though uniquely mine follow well-worned paths.

The path of power and the path of love plus all the dead ends of the merry chase.

CHAPTER ONE

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

I remember the unfamiliar hot and humid air of Saigon in South Vietnam.

It made my eyes heavy.

I saw lizards on walls, wriggling and hiding around the light fittings.

At night, the lights are turned on and I can see their yellow bodies translucent and their hearts pulsating.

I liked the cool nights and I liked looking at the stars and moon.

I felt home was somewhere up there ,while the sounds of night street hawkers wailing out their wares and the solitary notes of a flute heralding the blind masseur were all strange and foreign.

When I was around three years old, my brother, Robert was always running around after me.

I remembered waiting for him to be born outside the big hospital where nuns with large white winged headgear attended to the sick. He was a robust and cheerful baby. Mum named him Fan Chung in Chinese which meant training to be honest, loyal and true.

This was where I was also born on the fourth of July 1940 at 3a.m.

My father loved to talk about how he could not resist taking another peep at me after I was put in the dark cot and his torch caught sight of my two large glowing eyes glaring at him.

The doctors didn't have to spank me as my eyes were already opened and this was another sign to him that I was very special.

Being born in the year of the dragon and on American Independence Day were others.

I did sense that I was special because even my mother only has praise for me and she was very critical of everyone else, specially my father.

Even at an early age, Mum would say no matter what I did I would do it perfectly, and she would proudly show other people what I did, be it a drawing or a folded handkerchief.

Life for me then was a series of waiting….

Waiting for Mum to dress and put on her make-up.

Waiting for my father to stop bargaining with merchants outside his French Rice Exporting Firm to come home for lunch.

Waiting for fruits, vegetables, meat, fish and rice to be bought in the market full of stalls of all kinds.

I noticed the street vendors would always give something extra even after they had carefully weighed or measured what was bought with my parents nodding approval.

To give that extra bit I learnt early was a key to success in any kind of endeavour.

All the waiting also taught me to observe.

I saw dusty streets teeming with brown people all busy trying to sell or buy something.

I saw trees, flowers, blue sky and clouds and I felt closer to these than to the people around me. At least they kept silent and didn't invade my space.

Sometimes I see people with no legs begging and squatting on the ground, sometimes pushing themselves along just with their arms.

I had already become hardened to these horrors of life because every morning the crows of the big roosters would wake me and I used to enjoy watching the chooks and all the baby chicks pecking around the garden.

Then one by one they were slaughtered for dinner or lunch.

The screeching and squealing each morning as the cook chased his chicken for the day was horrifying.

At first I was angry and tried to stop him , but I was laughed at and warned that I may not get any food if I continued to protest and I will become very hungry.

He was right.

Then being very curious by nature I stopped protesting and even watched the gruesome procedure of seeing the chook’s throat being slit then all the blood dripping out slowly into a bowl, then hot water being poured over the dead chook and all its feathers being pulled out.

Then the carcass was cut apart and I was taught to recognize the stomach, the intestines, the heart, liver and the gizzard which has to be cut open to clear out the chook's last meal.

I also learnt all the different tastes of each part of the chook e.g. the liver is very different in taste from the heart and even the white meat is very different from the dark meat. I was taught that the tastiest meat is always close to the bones and the sweetest fish also have the most bones.

The cook also killed swimming fishes, crabs, prawns and even piglets. These all ended up on the dinner table. To eat or not to eat was a daily struggle.

Around this time escaping into daydreaming was a real refuge.

The company of my dogs and cat were more comforting than the human low life around me.

At least they don't talk and make comments about what they thought or felt.

Particularly about what I shouldn't think, do or feel!!!

I daydreamed whenever I had to wait around or sitting in the car as I was being driven somewhere.

This made life barely bearable.

I felt truly sad and lost.

I remembered looking at my little hands and at my sullen face in the mirror and cried out in despair.

'This is not me! I am BIG! I can't be this weak, scrawny body.'

I knew I had great strength and power and this body was definitely not me.'

My antics to show this spirit was not appreciated and often I was physically carted off to bed by my Mum's helpers who seemed to relish being so much stronger than me.

For a period I rebelled and did everything I was told not to do such as sliding down the banister from upstairs and drinking leftover champagne or eating up all the chocolates and glazed chestnuts that were my Dad's favourite.

The champagne tasted awful, but I noticed grown-up seemed to like awful things such as smoking and drinking red or white wine.

My parents don't smoke nor do they like alcohol but they kept these for visitors. They do things because they don't want to lose face. This means they will buy expensive cigars or whiskey for their guests to show they are connoisseurs, Westernized and modern.

They let me have a taste of anything I want so I sometimes get wine mixed with water like the French children..

I learnt that once I tasted something I would lose my fascination for it.

I also had to drink Vitel, a tasteless bland mineral water or Vichy which is fizzy and slightly salty which I preferred.

The cook had a huge ceramic jar with a six inch layer of sand to filter all the cooking water.

Since I watched my guests smoked me decided to roll a piece of empty paper into a cigarette and stuck it into the hot coal iron and had a puff. My tongue got burnt and I did not try smoking again until I lived in New York City twenty six years later. I coughed and quit smoking for good.

We had moved from our single storey home in Cholon in the Chinese quarters of Saigon to a double storey house in the French quarters.

This was because Dad's trucking business was booming.

From one truck to start him now has eight more.

These trucks carried rice from the countryside into the city with risks of being attacked by bandits who lived in the hills to plot against the French occupation.

No gains without risks, my Dad used to say and I learnt another rule for success.

Our first home had a little courtyard in the front where we had a few potted fruit trees.

I shared a bed with Robert and we could hear our parents talked in a hushed tone if they thought we were asleep or if they talked about things we children were not suppose to know like the house of ill-repute up the road where we children were not even suppose to look at.

My father and grandfather were much respected in our community because they shouldered the repayment of debts left by my grandpa's elder brother.

My father left school early to help work off the debts and to apprentice as a stevedore for the French Rice Exporting Firm where my grandpa had also worked

, My Dad worked very hard and often until late at night entertaining clients.

He would always peep in to see if Robert and I were asleep when he came home and as usual Robert would be sound asleep while I would stare at Dad with big bright eyes.

He would then take me out of bed and carried me on his shoulders into the night in spite of my Mum's protestations to buy apples and pears which were suppose to be better for our health then all the tropical fruits.

We would sit at a street stall to eat steam egg custard and young men with baskets full of apples and pears and tin foods of all descriptions would show us their goods.

They had dived for them after the cleaners from the recently birthed French warship had thrown them overboard knowing these would be retrieved that night and sold for split profit.

When my Dad peeled an apple or pear for us he would always give the best bits to me and Robert and then to Mum. He ate the core.

I heard Mum complaining that he didn't love her enough or that he didn't keep his promise to send her to study the piano in Paris .But she would also tell the stories of how many wealthy families wanted Dad to marry their daughters but Dad chose her who was poor.

Her father was lost at sea and she had to rely on rich relatives to send her to College in China. So, as a trained Kindergarten teacher she could take on the responsibilities of rearing the rest of her 6 younger brothers and sisters.

.She loved to tell how Dad's Mum had hit him on the head with a slipper when he insisted on marrying her.

She also said that Dad was always nice to all her friends and for a while no one knew for sure whom he was courting.

Mum warned me even then that if a man is nice to me because he is in love this does not mean that he is really kind by nature. However if he is nice to everyone then I can be sure that he is really big hearted.

According to Mum this is the most important quality in a man because he has to have the bigness of heart not only to care for himself but for his wife and children.

Dad was a tall, handsome man; he had a tall straight nose and a high forehead that seemed to show that he can afford to be kind, always smiling at Mum's criticism of him.

Because Mum was no great beauty she had to be more talented and more intelligent. She could play the piano and dance and with superior tastes to always spot a flaw. Her eyes were smaller and her nose broader as she was pure Chinese while Dad was part Vietnamese thus inheriting the charm of the islander.

With us moving to the double storey house with two big balconies upstairs and a huge garden with our own bomb shelter I saw less of my parents as they worked and socialized more with their business and diplomatic circles.

I spent more times with the helpers and the cook who had quarters apart from the main house where the hot kitchen and washing areas were also located.

I was becoming an uncontrollable child to them until one day I saw a live lizard suddenly being squashed in front of my eyes between the hinges of the kitchen door. One moment its heart was beating and the next it was a lifeless blob.

Once the helpers saw I was horrified by this they threatened to pick up a lizard from the wall to throw at me whenever I didn't do as I was told.

They would look for a lizard and then frightened it so it would let go of its tail to escape with its main body.

I was told to watch this tailless lizard grew another tail as it scrawled about daily on the walls. It did.

I dreaded the thought of them hurting the lizards and became a model child from then on. But within me I felt suppressed and decided to stop talking and eating in protest, especially for being in my tiny body.

I got back my parents attention as they could not understand why I won't speak or eat and I was getting thinner each day.

They took me to see a Chinese herbalist since the western doctors could not find anything wrong with me.

This doctor had a long beard and wise smiling eyes.

My heart leaped with hope.

Do wise men actually exist in this crazy place?

He took my pulse and I saw his extra long fingernails which put some doubt into my mind as to his being a real Wiseman. But I had too many questions to ask him and I fired away to my parent's surprise.

They were so relieved just to hear me talk that they decided to let me go everywhere with them and not leave me with the maids.

I went to nightclubs and saw jugglers and belly dancers and all the usual magic shows.

I went to formal dinners given by my Dad's boss and to the polo club to watch horse jumping and to see lots of French women dressed in their hats and fineries.

I deducted that the French were at the top of society, then the rich Chinese and then the Vietnamese servants and workers.

There were Indians who had big material shops but not too many.

Everyone praised me because of my good manners and I would sit quietly while Mum talked for hours with her friends at the Consulate General of the Republic of China. Aunty Chen, the wife of the Consul General had her group of ladies and Mum vied to be the most modern or the outstanding pianist or the best dancer and would make Dad practice their dance steps together.

I met other children from this circle but they liked dolls while I was much more interested in dragon flies, bull- ants, fireflies and butterflies.

Once huge butterflies as big as a man's face came into our house and I was told that they were spirits from another world who came to visit. I observed them in awe.

Huge rubber trees were also immense spirits spreading out their branches to shade us from the hot sun. Some trees have leaves that covered a round area surrounding their trunks and once inside no one can see in. It was so much cooler than the outside with a special higher and lighter energy.

I found out I disliked being rushed from place to place listening to senseless adult gossip.

I loved my three dogs, kiki and her two sons and I preferred to stay home with them and Robert.

I started piano lessons and my Mum was overjoyed to see me learning and playing with ease. My parents were so proud of my piano playing that I played for them and their guests whenever I was asked.

I could not understand what the fuss was all about. But if music made Mum happy, I will play.

I would often practice one piece then hop on my black and white horse-tricycle and paddle at top speed around our lounge room before practicing another piece

.My mum always thought I was seriously turning the pages or pondering over my playing...

My mum taught kindergarten in a school which was started by my great grand aunt.

In the school courtyard there were four altars with various temple gods and idols on them and there were always incense and jossticks burning.

I used to make my great grand aunt laughed a lot because I enjoyed kissing and tickling her. She had bound feet and could hardly walk but she put all her energies and her family money into her school because she felt it was only through education that our Chinese race could advance.

I could sense the spirits around this school specially where there was a huge ancient tree.

Once a Buddhist nun with shaven head came to our school.

I noticed that she had very bright eyes and she thought differently from the rest of the crowd of servants, cooks and drivers.

These are the helpers who spent more time with us children as they washed, fed, clothed and drove us around.

They warned me to keep away from this nun as she eats little children.

I knew this was false and I was pleased that she did not mind their teasing.

She took me aside one day and dotted my left cheek seven times with black ink .She said this was to remind me of my spiritual journey home.

My great grand aunt died while I was still in Kindergarten,

There was the biggest funeral I have ever seen.

A paper house several storeys high with all the furniture and amenities was burnt for her use plus lots of paper money and paper gifts.

There were many monks and nuns chanting and lots of people cried and dressed in mourning white.

I did not cry nor did I consider her dead or lost to me. I intuitively knew she was still there just not in her body.

Why burnt her all the gifts for the next life where she is free from her sick and tired body and be sad about it.

I concluded people did not weep for her but for themselves because they were afraid to die having not earned for themselves a great funeral and a better world.

Then I was told that some of those wailing were professional mourners. They were paid to cry to keep up appearances of a sad occasion.

There were so much food and drink it was like a great party.

My second home in the French quarters also had a small Buddhist temple next to it.

Each day and night I heard monks and nuns chanting.

When I asked about god and spirits I was told to spin myself around with out -stretched arms and then stop to feel my spirit continue to spin- on in my dizzy head.

I was also taught to close my eyes and face the sun as I pressed my eyes with my fingers. Then as I released them I would see red colours in my forehead instead of black.

From that day onwards my forehead has always been full of red, pink or orange colours and never black again until later when I learnt the meanings of seeing colours with my third eye in my mental screen.

When Mum was pregnant with my brother Peter, the Japanese was bombing Saigon regularly and we used to hide in the Bomb shelter whenever the siren sounded the alert.

Then we moved into the country to escape the bombings and rented a big house by the river which its rich owner had left empty.

We were close to the jungle with very tall rubber and tamarin trees and vivid flowers and lush green shrubs of all kinds.

There were beautiful lotus plants by the river banks and we had ducks, pigs and chooks as well as vegetable patches of all kinds including beans, tomatoes and squashes.

There were papaya, coconut and banana trees and young boys would climb up these trees to pick the ripe fruits for us to eat.

We would pick and eat guava and mangoes and lots of other fruits that seem to be growing everywhere near the sugar cane fields.

There were jackfruit trees and even durian trees with their huge fruits just waiting to be picked.

This idyllic scene would be marred by corpses floating by in the river as we picked water chestnuts and lotus seeds. Mum would then rush us back into the house in fear.

Even so my Mum with her big belly still earned a bit of extra money playing her hand accordion in a nearby restaurant to cheer up the peasants who were very intent about fighting the Japanese.

Our helpers went to secret meetings in the jungle and painted their faces for war. They took me with them and once I helped them carry a message when they could not go themselves. Their mates in the jungle said I was very brave and thanked me but they urged me to run all the way home as quickly as possible and not tell anyone where I have been.

These peasants carried big bolo knives which could hack through a thick piece of sugar cane with one swipe. Often I would chew and suck the juice of the sugar cane which they had cut for me then I spat out the dried fibre. I liked the sweet juice but my mouth would get sore if I chewed too much of this coarse fiber. Sugar cane and coconut juices were my favourite drinks.

.Mum never knew I went to these forbidden excursions into the jungle. I knew it was dangerous as I often heard gunshots.

There was a period when the peasant women took off their blouse and walked around half naked in protest of the Japanese. This was a show of unity and defiance against the barbaric atrocities and rape of their country and people.

These slender and beautiful women now looked fierce and frightening specially since they chewed beetle nuts and had blackened their teeth to be like their northern compatriots.

Dad told me proudly that in ancient times the Chinese did not have to conquer Vietnam with war.

Because of the superior culture of the Chinese the Vietnamese paid tax to China and enjoyed her protection and learnt from her wisdom and culture.

Once lepers came to our house with their faces and hands bandaged up and we gave them food.

I looked closer and saw their decaying faces even though my Mum forbade me to go near them.

My father who travelled back and forth from Saigon to the country was fortunately with us when a group of Japanese soldiers came to our house demanding food.

Because my father was courteous to them and gave them what food they wanted we escaped from harm. My Mum, my aunt, Robert and I all hid in a big closet.

The Japanese officer even left a Japanese sword for Dad in gratitude and I wanted to take it out to see the blade but got a very firm 'no' as Dad shelved it high up where I couldn't get to it. He knew I had a very curious nature and always wanted to see and try everything.

I learnt it was wise to treat even the hated and feared enemy with courtesy.

I also remembered waiting for my youngest brother Peter to be born in the country hospital at the end of the war. Peter was a very gentle and quiet baby and Mum named him Kin Ping in Chinese which meant one who will see peace.

Robert and I played with the pebbles in the garden as we waited.

Mum's youngest sister came from Saigon to be Robert's nanny but she died

Before the war ended.

Mum said she sacrificed her life for us and for once admitted that this sister did really love her.

I learnt the meaning of the word sacrifice and duty early in life.

My father made sacrifices to pay off grand uncle's debts and my mother made sacrifices for her younger sisters and brothers.

To them life is not worth living unless it is lived with honour.

.I was often reminded that I was the eldest and being female I had to be even smarter to gain respect.

My maternal grandmother was one of the first women to cut off her long pigtail and wearing her hair short. She also refused to have her feet bound. She was the eldest and had to marry first even though my maternal grandfather was in love with her youngest sister.

Although they had six children together they often quarrelled and one day he was reported as lost at sea and never returned.

Mum and grandma often have conflicting views and both were very outspoken and direct. Mum was striving for social status and respect and dressed herself in modern and sometimes western clothes while grandma would wear the black Chinese costume of the peasants and was proud of who she was.

.We did not belong to the wealthy class and we knew we must work hard to create our own fortune in a foreign country. Mum used to make sure we ate every grain of rice in our bowl emphasizing that the peasants had to stand in muddy fields and under the hot sun to plant the rice. The poverty of the peasants were made very clear to us children because we were told they had no meat or even a fish to eat and they would carve a wooden fish and cooked salted black beans on top of it to pretend that they had a fish to eat when all they ate was rice and black. Beans.

We were never allowed to waste food and we also always left enough food for the servants to eat and their scraps were fed to the dogs, cats and chooks.

In China when someone like my grandfathers did not want to fit into Chinese society or rule they can leave their village and go to sea and become an overseas Chinese to make their fortune abroad.

Then they’d send money back to the family in China to gain respect.

After my Grandpa paid off all the debts, he and my father also sent money back to the village to build a big ancestral home.

My grandfather was betrothed to a Chinese girl chosen for him by his mother.

When he refused to go back to China to marry her because he was already married to my half Vietnamese grandma whom I called banoy, his mother married him by proxy using a cock to represent him. Then she sent his Chinese wife whom he has never seen over by sailing boat alone to start her life with him in Saigon.

My grandpa had to set up another household with this Chinese woman and my banoy was heartbroken and often cried.

My grandpa had seven children with banoy and six with the Chinese women.

My father is the eldest of banoy's children and is one quarter Vietnamese while I and my brothers are one eight Vietnamese but we had passports of the Republic of China and considered ourselves to be Chinese.

Banoy and her sister were typical enterprising Vietnamese women who did the commerce and held the purse in the family.

My Vietnamese aunt had little horse buggies that carried people and goods around the city.

My banoy was well provided for by my grandpa who swore that she was his true love and his other household was to please his mother and to honour her wishes.

Banoy cooked us wonderful Vietnamese foods and deserts and she had the huge wooden bed that practically fills up a whole room and serve as bed, table to eat on and a place to sit and play on. The wood of this bed was over six inches thick and all well to do Vietnamese families have such a bed with lots of pillows piled up at one end.

It is very cool to sleep on and highly priced.

Later even my father bought such a bed even though he left it in the garage in our second house.

My parents did not sleep on it and it was left there for us children to play on.

Only during feast days when my father invited all his workers and drivers was this huge bed covered on every inch with foods and drinks of all kinds.

Suckling pigs roasted in an open pit and Vietnamese omelettes, steamed and deep-fried spring rolls and fish and prawns and squids and crabs and cakes and deserts and fruits of all kinds were offered to his guests.

This was my father's way to show his appreciation and to reward his workers and everyone truly enjoyed the feast.

I learnt it was vital to success to show appreciation and gratitude and to have good relationships and social contacts.

Although I did not know my maternal grandfather because he disappeared at sea I was very close to my grandma who was always there for me while my Mum was teaching.

We had the same independent spirit and the same dislike for socials.

She understood how much I hated being dressed up like a western doll and having my hair curled for family photos.

I was not just a tom -boy but I truly believed I was in the wrong body.

It was not a matter of being female or male but of being strong and powerful instead of weak and small.

I was a natural leader of our gang which comprised of my two brothers and three nephews.

When I drew the picture of a god and asked them to bow and genuflect before it. They did it without question.

But we soon got tired of this game and I used to watch the Temple ceremonies and observed that without the rituals people will soon get bored.

My mother's dearest friend was a student who married my father's fourth brother to be near my mother and to be part of our family.

Their union produced our three nephews.

We used to play marbles, hopscotch, skipping, hide and seek and shooting our classmates with paper pellets fired from rubber bands.

One day boys started to shoot at us with wire pellets which really hurt and I banned this game and decided we should ignore the boys.

We also played with the three children of our family doctor and I remembered an electrical discharge from my heart like a released the first time I played with Monique.

During my long healing process I re-experienced many such electrical discharges and realized that these were karmic blocks of long forgotten pains being released in my emotional or mental bodies through the physical one.

We also played with the daughter of our driver whose wife was also one of our helpers.

I remembered reading the Tin comic books where he would jump off a building safely while holding up an open umbrella and I was urging our gang to try it out by jumping off our balcony.

Her daughter was the first to volunteer and climbed onto the railing and with open umbrella was about to jump off when her mother screamed for her to stop and came rushing up to pull her off the railing yelling that I was a dangerous influence.

Not to miss out on my experiment, I dropped the opened umbrella over the railing and was shocked to see how quickly it fell to the ground not slowly floating like a parachute.

I learnt that day that I must not believe everything I read in books.

After the war we went back to our first house in Cholon and Robert became seriously ill. Mum had hardly recovered from the loss of her youngest sister and Mum was always unhappy because she felt no one really loved her.

She used to say with tears in her eyes that the only time her father ever showed her affection was when he picked up a piece of fish with his chopstick and put it in her mouth.

.Mum watched over Robert day and night because he had a very high fever and then refused all food and drink and gradually became stiff and lost consciousness.

The western doctors could do nothing to help him and Mum was desperate and took him to see a Chinese herbalist.

She cooked the herbs for hours and fed him a spoonful at a time at regular intervals day and night.

Gradually he softened and became less stiff and she cried out with joy when she noticed his eyelids had flickered.

She would continuously wipe off a clear liquid which oozed out of him and after long weeks he cried out for food.

Mum said the toxins were clearing out of his body and she cooked all kinds of soup to rebuild his strength.

She bought special white feathered chicken with black skin and cooked it with special Chinese herbs to make a brew for him and she did not teach again until he had fully recovered.

Mum also said she felt her sister died just at that time so that Robert might live.

Later on she would often remind Robert of this and would tell him that he should become a doctor to save lives when he grew up and he did.

As Robert grew chubby and strong, other boys would come over to play in our house. They were bigger and would tell us forbidden tales and make tents of sheets and have us sleep inside with them.

They wanted us to climb up a wall to peep at our neighbours doing something which I did not understand but it made them giggle a lot.

They would teach Robert to tick a finger into a hole which he made with his other hand and pull it in and out.

Mum who never told me not to do something would tell Robert to stop doing this and also to stop touching himself.

She told Dad whilst shaking her head that Robert had a permanent hard-on.

I noticed she used the same kind of disapproving tone in her voice to complain about him leaving his used rubber around the room for me to find.

Then she quickly took it away from me and threw it out all wrapped up so as not to be seen.

We used to see dogs mating but it never occurred to me that humans did the same.

.I thought naked women danced about in that house of ill-repute and that's all.

I did not like the boys who came over to play as they still looked small and weak.

The body that I liked belonged to my uncle, Mum's third brother who came home from fighting the Japanese and had a tall muscular body that felt hard like a rock.

He had bullet wounds in his stomach and long scars on his upper legs.

He used to tell us stories about the war and also about the historical heroes of ancient China.

The dynasties of wise emperors and the cruel ones.

The loyal Kwuan Kung and the wily Chou. Also monkey king's adventure.

He spent all day with us and grandma could now have a rest from watching over us.

Every afternoon he would take us by car to the park by the river where often we would see French war ships berthed there in the river.

I knew this was where the apples, pears and many tin foods came from.

I also saw slender Vietnamese women bathing near the river banks being watched by young French sailors.

Once we heard yelling and cursing from the women bathing in the river as the sailors made off with their clothes laughing.

The women never bathed naked but their thin costume being wet would cling to their firm breasts and that seemed to delight the sailors when they came out of the water to get back their clothes from them.

I enjoyed running around that park with my dogs and brothers and uncle would buy us candies or ice cream cones, forbidden by Mum as she did not wants us to eat anything from the street stalls.

Grandma ignored her ideas of modern hygiene and to our delight so did uncle.

I was eight and too big for Dad to carry around as he used to and he was also too busy. But uncle would give me piggybacks often and I enjoyed feeling his strong body against mine.

He would sit in Dad's big chair and we three children would sit on top of the big desk as he told legends of courageous and loyal heroes and the sly and tricky schemes of generals each trying to outsmart the other..

Often I would slide onto his knees and grandma would warn uncle he'd better not let my Mum see us cuddling each other like that.

One day my Mum came home and excitedly said she had met an Australian woman, called Eileen McDonogh who would be happy to sponsor me to study in Sydney.

Mum always said she would not give me a dowry but a good education and my brothers also would not get money but an education because she said people can take away your money but never your skill and knowledge.

I was keen to leave Saigon as school was not too challenging and I spent most of my time daydreaming.

My French Primary school classroom had screens to separate the various classes and often I would slip out of class without being noticed.

I remembered my Indian teacher who had once hit me on the head when she wanted to silence the class and this was the first time anyone has ever lifted a finger to touch me in anger.

I wanted to hit her back and was very angry with myself for not having the courage to do so.

I swore that if anyone ever hit me again I would punch back immediately and never be humiliated again.

One day Dad came home and showed me gold coins from Australia called guineas and he showed me pictures of aboriginals and kangaroos and koala bears.

Then he locked them away in his drawer.

With my curiosity aroused I decided to look for Dad's keys and unlock his drawers to have a better look at this Australian magazine.

. To my surprise I also found a bunch of magazines full of naked white men and women and took them out to show grandma and uncle.

I was warned to quickly put them back before Mum gets home.

But I did take a good look and decided I wanted to see my grandma's breasts.

She laughed and shook her head but when I insisted and insisted; she unbuttoned her blouse and showed me her two long thin breasts.

When I gasped in surprised she proudly said ' these breasts have fed six children! What did you expect?'

Then I wanted to see my uncle naked also. He would not undress but instead took my hand and put it inside his pants.

As soon as I felt the coarse curly hair I pulled my hand away.

This was all just curiosity for the adult female and male bodies. Since my brothers and I often bathed together I knew the difference between girl and boy.

The fact that my chest got pinched and I was told I will get big breasts one day by my teasing Amah when she dressed me angered me towards such changes.

My parents agreed that the married sister of Mum's Australian friend would be my sponsor because Eileen Mc Donogh was single and could not sponsor me.

.They acted like they would let me go far away to study because it would be best for me to go and get used to a new country at a young age.

They said they'd leave it to destiny or the higher powers meaning that if we can get the visa and sponsorship they would let me go.

However, after waiting for over a year, one day Dad came back from the Australian Consulate full of praise for the uncorrupted ways of the consul who had agreed to give me a visa.

I then sensed that Mum was looking for any excuse to keep me home.

I also had to apply for a passport from the consulate of the Republic of China and my Dad showed me my Chinese name and taught me to write the three characters, Kuo mei-chen. kuo was our surname and mei meant beauty and chen meant chastity.

Everyone had always called me Mimi, my nickname and when I went to attend the French Primary school, I was given a French name, Helene Quach.

Now my name for Australia is Helen Quach.

A new name for a new period in life.

I remembered I usually held a toy plane in my hand and stuck my head and arm out of the sunroof of our car when we drove to the park each day.

One day as we drove back into our driveway under lush green branches of overhanging trees a blue-tongued lizard fell on my head and I could feel it pulling at my hair.

I thought it was a twig and touched it with my right hand and felt a sharp bite on my little finger.

My uncle managed to pull it off my head and threw it into the bush.

I made him promise not to tell anyone, especially Mum, fearing she would use this as an excuse for not leaving for Australia.

She was to take me there and I sensed she was getting cold feet and worrying about this whole trip.

.I got uncle to pour iodine onto the bite and squeezed it hard to expel any poison.

Then I acted as if nothing had happened.

My dogs were the only ones I really felt sorry to leave behind.

Somehow I had the innate feeling that as in death people we cared about were never really gone; somewhere, somehow we'll all meet again.

I remembered telling god during one of my daydreams that I did not want to live in this sad place on earth and I didn't know why I was here.

So he had to guide me and showed me clearly what I had to do at all times and I promised I would always do my very best for him. It must be my best if it is for god!

Also I didn't want to lose any of my limbs or my mind this lifetime.

The life of the legless beggars and the mentally insane from grief was not for me!

I promised I would make a great effort as long as I saw clearly what was expected of me and what I was asked to do.

For this reason I could never say ‘no’ to life, that's not until later when I learnt about the spiritual law of discrimination.

My French piano teacher was sorry to see me leave.

She thought I had talent and would often play for me to inspire me.

I remembered the feeling she would create with her music as in the beginning of Beethoven's Wullstein Sonata where the music impelled your mind to follow it; or in the second movement where the sounds led to a rest or silence that was so important.

I felt her emotions as she played the Chopin Ballade no.1 and I watched her moan and mumble and hum as she tried to breathe life into her notes.

I learnt then that notes were meaningless unless I could put the right feelings into them from one beat to the next.

I also realised that she was special not because she was a beauty since she wore thick glasses which covered most of her features and she was on the stocky side but she had a lot of passion which attracted to her a much younger and very handsome husband.

As the day of departure approached Mum and I packed ten suitcases between us.

I also developed a cold and Mum told uncle to make a hot compress to soothe my throat and chest before I went to sleep.

As he rubbed my chest he told me he did not want me to forget him and he kissed me where I never felt so much before and I pushed him away.

This first flash of sexual energy locked into my memory and I mistrusted its power.

Mum and I were the only passengers flying to Sydney in a four engine plane. The air hostess sat, chatted with us and served us food.

Most of the time the plane did not feel like it was moving. Then once it suddenly flew into clouds which rushed past our windows and we felt the motion of flying and dizziness.

Our air hostess left us to lay down herself.

I watched the passing clouds for a while but soon got tired and fell asleep.

When I woke up we had landed in Sydney on January 1, 1950.

The airport was empty and the custom inspector took one look at our long row of suitcases, winked with a smile and waived to us to pass without opening one suitcase.

Mum could not speak English but she beamed and said ' thank you! Praising again about the wonderful Australian authorities to me in Chinese.

Aunty Eileen with her brother Jack and Aunty and Uncle Hale, my sponsors met us at the

Airport and managed to squeeze us with the entire luggage into their two cars.

The roads from the airport to Maroubra where the Hales lived were empty.

The streets in Saigon were never empty like this! They were always full of people especially if it was the New Year. Where are the people and the dragon dancers and the firecrackers and the New Year festivities?

This silent emptiness was my first cultural shock!

The next was the cold food after a long flight. My stomach was longing for some hot rice soup to settle the changes of weather and time but I was given an ice-cream cone as if this would endear me to my hosts ,when in truth it was much too rich and too sweet for me to eat . I promptly gave it back to Mum to finish.

Then we got a big plate of cold sliced ham, cold tomatoes and lettuce with cheese and beetroot which only made my stomach felt more upset. The cold fizzy lemonade was my first bi-carbonated drink and I threw up!

My hosts grew more nervous as Mum and I observed them in silence since neither of us could speak a word of English and our smiling faces were turning pale and tired.

In desperation they took us across the road to a Chinese family and left us there to chat by ourselves. Mum could speak three dialect of Chinese and converse easily with that family but I was in no mood to talk.

I looked across at the neatly trimmed lawn and rose bushes of the garden of my hosts and I went over my mental notes of the stifling wall to wall carpet and the blinds and curtains that block out the light and the lace bedcovers with a silly doll on it and the solitary blue bird in its cage and I sighed. In dismay.

Then we were taken to Botany to where Eileen and Jack lived in their old family home. I could hardly keep my eyes open but I perked up because this used to be a dairy and Jack had a dog and a cat and a huge bird house full of lovebirds. I was delighted to see his huge draft horses and all the ribbons which they have won at the Royal Easter Show.

There were races horses that were being broken and a beautiful grey mare which immediately won my heart.

The paddocks and the train line close- by promised adventure and I promptly said that this was where I wanted to live.

I noticed there were linoleum and rugs on the floor but the same blinds and curtains to block out the light which I disliked and the silly dolls on the beds but the atmosphere of this house was definitely less stiff than the other and there was even an old Pianola.

I decided to play the piano for my hosts and after that no one could say no to anything I wanted.

Mum and I stayed with Eileen and the Hales would come over in the evenings to play table tennis or a kind of billiard bowls with me

I enjoyed beating Uncle Hale at these games. He was the tallest and heaviest man I have seen but not muscular or strong. He had clear blue eyes and a straight nose with fair skin. A typical good sort!

Aunty Hale played the piano and violin but all rather stiffly and she gave me her violin which I said I will learn to play.

The Hales had a holiday home in Springwood and took us there for a visit.

Both the Hales were of tall Irish stock. Aunty Hale wore bone corset and had very large breasts and she thought it was nice to have me rest my head on her chest but the corsets dug into me and I soon moved apart.

There has been bushfires and I was uncomfortable from seeing miles and miles of black burnt trees. Empty again of life!

Where are the aboriginals, the kangaroos or the koala?

After we arrived we went for a long walk down a gully and I still did not see any sign of life not even a bird.

My frustration was so great that at the bottom of the gully where there was a stream I took a branch and pelted everyone with water and got us all sopping wet.

We only stayed the week-end and there were no village or any kind of cultural life. Just the long drive and a walk in the empty bush.